I had many friends always, but one of them was a girl friend.
Boy friends are always boy friends, but she was only a girl friend.
She wanted to be with the boy friends, but she couldn’t be like a boy friend.
She wanted to become a boy and wanted to come with us always.
She was a girl but asked me… Is this world only for men?

She wanted to join with our night trips, but worried about her warden.
She wanted to jump into trekking, but needed a permission granted.
She wanted to drive on a pulsar, but all of us laughed just by hearing.
Thus she wanted to become a boy, and wanted to have our freedom…
How damn world is this, is this world only for men?

She wanted to have a liberty, from all the hazards of a lady.
She wanted to be like her boy friends, thought even a doctor can make her.
How dreary the life as a girl, She wanted to enjoy life like us.
Thus she wanted to become a boy, but she couldn’t fulfill her dreams…
How damn world is this, is this world only for men?

She wanted a lone trip to Mumbai, to attend her test and to come back.
But her mom heard a lot of stories…about city rape victim girls.
So she forced to plead to her sibling, who was nothing more… but a boy,
Thus she wanted to become a boy, but she is still been a girl…
How damn world is this, is this world only for men?

She wanted to go to the crowd and come back without any harm.
She doesn’t want to complain about any boys around….why?
She doesn’t want any equality… because she never been a feminist.
Thus she wanted to become a boy, but she couldn’t become it so far…
How damn world is this, is this world only for men?

She doesn’t want to complain about any dirty staring of men,
Because she knows no boys complain about any dirty staring of girls.
She doesn’t want to complain about any nasty comments of men,
Because she knew no boys complain about any nasty comments of girls
Thus she wanted to become a boy, but she couldn’t become it so far…
How damn world is this, is this world only for men?

Why should I come back before ten, that restriction not to my father?
Why should I call my mom always, that instruction not to my brother…?
I can not bear all these warnings, thus I want to become a boy.
Yes…thus she wanted to become a boy, but she couldn’t fulfill her dreams…
How damn world is this, is this world only for men?

“But, I didn’t have an answer”

(She was a nice friend of us, but with unfulfilled dreams she became a wife of somebody else, hope now the world is yours too…or making a world only of yours.)


“Happy Married Lives”

It is very difficult to analyze the real character of a person even if we stay with them a long time also.
My experience proved that, I want to tell you a strange story. (I don’t want to break the trust of any body and also I don’t want to break anybody’s married life, so I am not mentioning the real names of these characters)

Before telling the story, I want to welcome everybody to my office.
The first thing I have is a nice secretary, she is Ani.
She is the heartbeat of our office, being as a secretary she take care of the whole office and all the people in the office. That is her ability, I admit it, and if she is absent the whole office is sleeping.
Then I want to tell you about one handsome and smart guy in our office, he is Rakesh.
He is a friend of everybody and always in happy mood and smart. It is really interesting and time passing to talk with him.
But his wife is direct opposite, she is Supriya, she is also working in this office as a computer operator.
She is a very cute looking innocent girl but not expressive to everybody, always sitting in her place only and very rarely coming out of her place only to take lunch I think.
She doesn’t even talk to her husband also at the office hours, so nice personality.
Our Ani’s husband is a purchase manager in another well known company here in Kuwait.
That is the story he told everybody, but recently Rakesh made some investigation in that matter and he informed me the result of his secret mission.
He found that the story of purchase manager is fake and her husband is actually only a driver in that company. But when ever he comes in our place he is always in a manager’s get up only. What ever it may be, I don’t want to listen all this scraps!!!!

But I know one thing about Supriya, even if she is not talking to many people, but still she is a close friend of Ani. Always coming for lunch together and I found them sitting and talking for a long time.
If I write like this, I have to write about many interesting personalities in our office. But I will write next time about them, because only these characters are appearing in this episode of my office story.

That day was a very busy day and there were so much of tensions from the morning.
I was able to manage all those, but I became tired due to the high fever started hitting me.
I wanted to go back to home and take rest, but was not in a situation to do, because of an important meeting with important clients scheduled after noon.
One of my colleagues noticed my tiredness and advised me to go and take rest in his room at least one or two hours and he said he will inform me before the client’s arrival.
I agreed that because he was staying in a bachelor’s villa very near to our company where as my flat was very far from company.
I went to his villa and opened his room, it was a nice big room and three more rooms on the same floor inside a single floor and the hall was common for all.
I found all other rooms were locked and nobody was there. There also our employees are living but all of them are in office now.
So it is peaceful to sleep for one hour, I thought.
Immediately I went to bed and fell asleep.

After half an hour I heard a female voice and got up from sleep.
It was coming from the hall just outside my room. I tried to listen carefully, it was a known voice but I was not able to hear anything clearly.
Still I wondered who may be there in this bachelor’s building.
What business is going on?
Then I thought it is none of my business. What ever it may be, I didn’t want to open the door and check it.
After a few minutes the sounds disappeared. Then I fell asleep again.
I woke up again after one hour and felt all silent again.
I went to the hall and sat there for five minutes.

Then very unexpectedly that happened.
The door just in front of my room was opened and two people came out.
With out thinking that a person sitting in the hall, they came out and trapped in front of me.
I couldn’t have imagined about them, if I heard this story from somebody else. But I had to believe that, because it happened straight in front of my eyes. They were Ani and Rakesh.
It was a normal practice for them.
I thought that was the reason that many days she used to ask permission for going out one hour and she was telling the reasons that some functions in her kids school or something related to her kids.
Now they have been caught red handed!!!
But I become shocked by seeing both of them.
Nobody talked anything for a few minutes.
Suddenly she ran out without telling anything.
But Rakesh stood their only.
I asked him “Rakesh, what’s happening here? How can I believe this?”
I don’t have to write about his situation at that time, everybody can imagine that.
He didn’t reply anything.
I told him to go out and closed the door.
Many thoughts came in to my mind. How he managed to get the key of this room? Who’s room is that? May be that decent fellow also a part of this.

I went back to office with a disturbed mind about thinking of their families.
How this is going to end up in their family life. I don’t have any idea.
My wife is a close friend of Ani and Supriya. How she will react if I tell this to her.
Anyway I decided to call them and talk individually about this.

First I called Ani.
She came to my cabin with out a pleasant mood.
I asked her” I know it is your personal matter, I don’t want to disturb you, but still I need an answer? How can you cheat your husband and your dearest friend?
She told immediately “ I am not cheating anybody, I know very well about my husbands character and many stories about his relations with many girls, so I am not feeling any guilty in this, and Supriyas case, He only approached me, I couldn’t resist myself, may be my fault, but personal weakness, once it happened and I couldn’t resist.” I will stop doing if you say”

I said” no it is your life and your decision, but what about your kids and family life?

“No problems so far, we live as a happy family still”

“Okay, I am nobody to say anything in this regard; you have the right to decide”

Then I called Rakesh and asked him.

‘Rakesh, did you think about your loving wife?”
He said” I did many times, but I couldn’t control myself…I was like this only from the college days.’

“Oh it is so nice, but do you like to see your wife going with somebody like this?”

“No sir, never, no husbands will never like to see that”

“Rakesh, that is a big joke from you, so man can do anything not woman, that’s what you are thinking?

There was no answer for my question and he also left the room.

That made me to think a lot about family and relations.
How close friends Supriya and Ani are, then what is the meaning of friendship and cheating?
Made for each other couples are Rakesh and Supriya, then what is the meaning of trust and love?
I never wanted to reveal any truths to anybody.

“Better not to tell unhappy truths”

Their life goes on still… happy married lives.
But now whenever I see Supriya with Rakesh, I feel pity about her.

What will happen if god will replay there life episode in front of their partners?

Its fun thinking, but definitely not fun for them.

“How can I forget her?”

I thought that writing is a difficult job for me ,but…
I feel easy to write about the real incidents happened, in my life and around me.
(May be I can not write anything other than that ,no?)
This is also one of those kinds.

Story of a pretty innocent teenage girl.

How can I forget her?
She was in my life for hardly one or two hours, but still I regret that I could have given her a life.

Once we were on vacation in Kerala and always my most interesting hobby is driving through the unknown roads by seeing all the greenery around. And that day Renu also joined with me.
When we passed a small city, Renu remembered something and told me to stop the vehicle. She told me that there is somewhere her old teacher lives and she want to meet her after a long time and to give her a surprise visit.
I said okay and easily she spotted a small yellow painted old house before the next turning.
We stopped the vehicle just in front of the gate and went inside. Renu knocked the door while I was searching for the door bell that I couldn’t find.
After a minute a young pretty looking girl opened the door.
Renu told me, that must be Chinnu, teachers only daughter.
She asked her, “hay chinnu, did you remember me?”
Chinnu didn’t like that addressing and replied, “I am not chinnu I am Aparna?” Who are you?
Oh sorry for that Aparna, I am your mothers old student, could you please call her?
She looked both of us and went inside with out giving a smile also.
Renu told me, I am sure that is chinnu only; she was only four years old when Renu saw her last time and she has grown up after around thirteen years. Now she couldn’t recognize Renu.
I thought it is correct, time has changed Renu also a lot, now she is not looking like the naughty girl that I met first time in college and I was in doubt that teacher can recognize her or not.
But teacher came out and proved that my doubts are in wrong place, she immediately recognized her and hugged her with surprise. Then Renu introduced me also to her. Teacher was very happy that we visited her after a long time.
I was planned to spend there only a fifteen minutes, but we couldn’t deny teachers invitation to stay for some time and have a lunch with them. We spent some happy hours with them by remembering the memories of school days and sharing new stories.
Teacher’s life has been miserable after her husband’s death and now she is retired also.
Now her only aim is to give a good education to her only daughter Aparna (she is the same girl, chinnu was the pet name in childhood) and to give her hands to some good boy.
That is the only dream she has now and she is financially troubling a lot after her retire and trying to manage Aparna’s education expenses with the pension amount and a small amount she is earning by taking tuition of some high school students. I saw tears in her eyes when she tells that. My mind gets disturbed terribly when I see that in anybody’s eyes.

But I was wondering about the behavior of Aparna. They said she is a plus two student, and she looks like a smart and beautiful girl with very innocent looking face. But unlike that some thing missing in her character and she didn’t talk to us anything and looked always like depressed.
I asked about her studies just for the sake of breaking silence, but she didn’t entertain that and limited her answer in two words and she was only sitting and watching both of us.
Renu didn’t notice anything while busy talking to her old teacher.
What ever it may be, let it be their own business. I just skipped out and lighted up a cigarette.
After a tasty lunch we told them good bye and moved my car and saw them going behind……..
from my mind also… I am not going to see them again any more.

But faith was different……. I saw her again,

The same day evening I was busy replying some business mails, heard the phone ringing. I looked around for Renu, and couldn’t find her.
So I went and took the phone, that was a female voice that I couldn’t recognize.
I asked again, Hello, may I know who is this?
There was a very soft voice, “I am Aparna, didn’t you remember?”
“No, which Aparna?”
“The same Chinnu, today you came to our house?”
“Hay Aparna, what a surprise, is this you, okay, hold on I will call Renu now.”
“No, please don’t call her?”
‘Then, what?”
“I want to talk to you only.”
“What are you telling, you want to talk to me? “
“Yes, it is something very important and please don’t tell Renu about this.”
I wondered what she has to tell me, I met her today only and I have no other relations with her. But I felt a severe tension in her soft and nervous voice
I asked her calmly,
“What happened Aparna, tell me?”
“Could you please come in front of GCDA complex tomorrow morning at 10 o’ clock, I have an urgent matter to tell you.”
What is this, it seems pretty madness, what to tell her?
She asked again, ‘could you please come?’
“Okay I will come. “
I don’t know why did I say that at that moment.
“Thank you, I will be waiting there, but please don’t tell anybody.”
She cut the phone.

I shut down my computer and sat down in such a dilemma, what to do or not to do?
What may be the reason she is calling me?
May be she is having any love at first sight to me, we don’t know young girls, what they are thinking.
Che che what I am thinking, I am a married man , quiet impossible, she know that also.
Then what?
She must be in some kind of trouble and need my help or may be need some money.
That must be the reason, I assumed. But why me?
After half an hour thinking, I decided not to tell Renu about this. Why to give her a head ache, if I can solve this myself.

I reached in front of the complex almost the same time what she said.
I saw her waiting in the parking before I reach there. I parked my car and walked to her.

“Hay Aparna nice to meet you again, tell me what is the problem you have?”

Instead of giving answer she invited me to the back side of the complex to sit and talk where empty benches are available in the marine drive.
We sat on an empty bench and I was looking to her face with enthusiasm.
A few moments of silence and I felt a starting trouble for her.
I tried to comfort her and asked her to speak friendly and consider me like a friend or elder brother and tell me whatever she wants to tell.
She broke the silence and started talking.
But the story was a shocking one for me.
She had an affair with a boy who was working in a ladies fancy shop near to her school for more than a year and she believed it was a real love and she dreamed that they will be living together at a time everybody agree them to do that.
She dreamed that all in her immature mind and was trapped in the words and fascination of him.
Once in some moment where she couldn’t resist him and she had all the kinds of physical relations also with him.
But the boy was not a kind of person what she was thinking.
He took many naked photos of her and kept in his custody.
She become shocked by seeing his friends with him when she went to there secret place next time, and he asked her to share fun with them also.
It was insufferable for a girl like her, and she tried to escape from them.
But she was already in side there tight nets.
That incident broke her heart and pushed her in to mere depression.
Recently he started blackmailing her by showing her naked photos and sending photos to her email and asking her to co-operate with them, otherwise they threaten her that they will expose all her photos in internet or distribute in college.
And that was her dilemma that she was not able to tell anybody this matter and nobody was there to help her.
Now she found a last hope after seeing me, and she thought I am a strange person to the village and looks like a decent man and may be I am going to help her.
She explained me a new way to help her.
Just go with her to his place and she will tell him that I am her fiancé and our marriage is been fixed.
And I have to tell him that I knew everything and I accepted all her faults and agreed to marry her. And ask him not to make any trouble and give the photos back and don’t come again in our ways.
I also thought it is a good idea, may be he will not make any trouble if he knows that people are there with her.
But how can I go with her for this purpose.
I will be in trouble and day by day similar cases are there in news papers and I didn’t want my name will get spoiled if something goes wrong.
So I didn’t want to agree her suggestion, instead consoled her and advised her not to worry, this is happening for many girls now a days. And what he can do? Now days so many morphing techniques are there, anybody can create the naked photos of anybody. So don’t worry about that and forget that chapter.
“Don’t go and meet him.”
She found very depressed again by hearing my negative replies.
But what to do, I had no other choices to take.
Going to police or any other officials will cause her name to come out with big publicity and that will spoil her life and the respect of her mother.
We took a juice together and I dropped her to bus stand.
I went back to home with a disturbed mind, again some worries about her.
Should I have to tell this to Renu. I decided not to tell her, that was the final request from Aparna.
I heard the phone ringing again while taking our dinner, Renu went and took the phone, but there was nobody on the line.
It happened twice again, I got a doubt that may be Aparna is calling.
I got an unknown feeling in my mind and so much of worries about that innocent girl.
Renu was also noticed the worries in my face and asked many times, finally I decided to tell her that, to get a relief for my mind.
After hearing all the stories, she was little angry to me because of not telling her when her first call came.
I told her the reason that I didn’t do that.
After a lot of thinking she came up with a strong decision that I couldn’t take.

She told me to go with her tomorrow and see that boy and get all the photos and warn him to not disturb her any more.
She said this is the case of the life of a young girl, “we can’t avoid it just like that ayyan, and more over she is the only daughter of my dearest teacher and you also heard that how much she is suffering for her and she is living only for her.”
“So you must go tomorrow and do that Ayyan please”
Yes, what she says is correct, I should go and now I am the only person responsible to save her.
I decided that and slept with a peaceful mind.
We were eagerly waiting for her call from the morning but she didn’t call.
Then Renu decided to call her house.
First two times the ring was going on but nobody took the phone..
Third time somebody took but that was not Aparna or teacher, it was a male voice.
Renu gave phone to me, I asked. “Is this teacher’s house?”
Yes who is this?
I am her friend, can I get her?
He said, how can I give her now, didn’t you know everything?
What everything? No I didn’t know?
Her daughter committed suicide yesterday night.
Phone dropped down from my hands and I sat on bed with out any voice.
Dear Aparna, forgive me …forgive to this bad world.
I didn’t tell this story to anybody, if I do, may be I can put that boy in jail, but I didn’t want to spoil the respectful life that both of them lived so far, and what else ,Aparna has gone and she is not going to come back. And I believe that a judge and court is there better than all the judges in the world and he will give punishment to him.
I put them behind my memories …
I am not going to see her again any more….its sure….
I forgot her also………

“Victims of Horror”

Please don’t be confused by reading the heading. It is not a horror story, but my small worries about the horrors exist in our minds.
One of the incident happened today reminded me another incident happened a few years back. Both are in different situations and no similarities, but the base of the reactions are same and if I analyze that, I have to believe in the fact that we all are the victims of horror created by somebody else.
A few years back I received an urgent call from labor camp that one of our workers had some accident and he had been taken to hospital. I rushed to the hospital to see him. When I reached there, he was in ICU or somewhere inside, then I could manage to meet him after many hours. His condition was serious but not critical. Doctors said he won’t be able to walk for at least six months due to the fractures on backbone and lugs. I know he is also an ordinary worker from a poor family. Before leaving he gave me a closed cover and told me that, a draft and some letters are in that cover, a little big paper cover. His friend was going on vacation that morning and he was on the way to his house to handover the cover. So that he could have posted it next day in India. That was a normal practice at those times because there was no facilities of express money transfer and telex transfer were not available like now. But now his friend had already left with out knowing his accident and he is asking me to post it somehow today, because there will be some function in his home after three or four days. What to do? He is in a pathetic situation, so it is my duty to help him some how. Okay , there is only one possibility is there. I rushed to airport immediately.
Last flight to Cochin leaves after mid night, my intention was to hand over the cover to any of the passenger and if he can post it tomorrow morning, things will work out. But after reaching the entrance and asked a few people I came to know that the task is not so simple. Nobody was ready to accept my cover, I didn’t know why?
After asking many passengers I become desperate. Then an old but proud looking lady was observing my efforts for a long time. She called me and said, this is not your fault, this is the fault of the world, we all are the victims of horror created by somebody else. You may be a gentle man but, they can expect anything in your cover which is dangerous to travel, any fake currency or illegal narcotics what ever they can expect. I explained her about the situation and then she agreed to take it with a condition to open it up and check. I didn’t hesitate to do that, because finally I got only a hope on her. I opened up the cover and shown her all the letters and draft was there inside. She kept it in her bag and went inside. Thank god. So I realized that, I have become a victim of that horror.

And here is the second incident that I told you at the beginning. This was happened just today morning and that triggered me to write this now. I moved to my new flat yesterday only, so obviously I am a stranger here for a few days. Today morning I went out for purchasing something and came back to my new building. I parked my car and then stood there for a few minutes to make some phone calls in mobile. I didn’t notice a small girl of around seven or eight years age was standing near to me waiting for her school bus, looks like a north Indian girl. I heard she is calling me “uncle, uncle”. I just turned and looked her and found her skirt stuck in the nails of the car shed while rushing here and there with out looking. I went near to her and tried to plug the cloth out. After a few moments try I did it with out damaging her skirt. She said thanks and smiled and I also asked a few questions for the sake of the situation. Suddenly somebody came near the lift with a small baby in hand and called her. She ran to her. I overheard a few words of her mother. She was angry to her for speaking to a stranger, “Why are you talking to strangers, I warned you many times no? kaisa kaisa log hai, kisko maalum hai?”
I become a little depressed by hearing that, but then realized it is not her fault.
But before entering into the lift, that girl turned to me and gave me a beautiful thanks giving smile. That was enough to console my small depression.
I have become the victim of horror again, but not only me, they are also living with that horror and they are also victims.
I used to remember about my childhood days in my mother’s house in a small village. They trusted everybody. My mother used to send my sisters to school with the first person coming on the road, he may be a coconut tree climber or a high school boy or even a stranger but she didn’t fear, because there was a trust on all human beings. So painful to think, but that is lost now.
Incidents happen around us create an unknown horror in our minds. So our mind alerts us always even if there is nothing to be horrified. So we expect some illegal things inside the cover if somebody brings to us in airport and we fear to chat with somebody with real names and making online friendships in fake names only and expect some danger to our kids always when they are alone with strangers even if nothing exists really and what not? We fear everybody even though if we love.
I can’t blame anybody because, being as a responsible and careful father I will also tell my kids the same words, because I know I am also a victim…. you too. I don’t want to be my kids or myself a real victim, so in reality…
We fear the world.

“Sneha is in love”

Sneha is in love, and that is my biggest headache now.
Don’t confuse about who is this Sneha.
She is my closest little friend.
She is one of my relative’s daughter.
But our friendship started when she was a baby girl.
If you want to imagine her, just imagine a cute white marble statue with glittering dark hair.
She was very cute looking as a child, and I never wanted to miss even a single chance to kiss her when she was a child.
But now that era has gone.
She has grown up and reached to sweet seventeen.
But still our friendship remains same and she has all the freedom to discuss anything with me.
This is not a story but only some signs of a story may happen in future, after a few months. But I can’t write it now, and I am not sure about that story will have a happy end or tragic end.

Okay let us come back to Sneha.
I couldn’t get a chance to meet her almost six months because of my short vacation trips to India and our friendship was limited to a few phone calls and short mails.
After a long gap I got a chance to visit her on my last vacation.
She was very happy to see me and talked a lot about the new happenings in her tiny world.
But finally she gave me a stroke.
She revealed me her latest secret and that shocked me.
What is that?
“She is in love with a boy.”
I know nothing much to worry in that, if it is a simple teenage attraction. It happens in college life …boy friends, girl fiends just for fun…
But I knew the intensity of her love in her words and I saw that in her eyes and I knew her feelings.
I think I can better understand her feelings, may be even better than her parents. She was really serious about that, nothing for fun, nothing for joke.
And that shocked me.
Secondly, she is a Hindu and he is a Muslim.
That shocked me again.
Finally, she is in an average rich family, and he is from a poor family
That also shocked me again.
I personally feel no difference in cast and religion, and believe all human beings are same.
I personally feel again no difference in rich and poor.
But still I shocked because she is so dear to me.

She doesn’t know or doesn’t have enough maturity to think about the customs (that may be right or wrong but we are forced to follow), or must have forgotten after falling in deep love.
But I am aware about all that and that scares me.
She shown me some of his photos, yes looks quiet handsome, perfect match for her.
It may be difficult to find such a handsome guy.
I agree that also, but still how can I support her.
What advice can I give to her.
It is cent percent sure that her family will never allow for their marriage.
There will be an explosion, if this news reaches to her family.
Sneha has two younger sisters also, I can’t forget them, because they are also so dear to me. I didn’t have a daughter for many years, so I considered all of them as my daughters and still there is no change in that.
And if she does anything wrong, that will badly affect their future also.
But she says that she has already decided to live with him only, otherwise she will select the way to end her life.
She has decided to do that, no way coming back; it is not a fascination she tells she has chosen her way.
She knows that her family won’t allow in any chance.
So she is waiting to reach up to eighteen years old and then planning to go with him, register the marriage and live with him somewhere else.
So we have eight more months remaining………
Countdown begins; I have a little time to decide something.
She has already asked all my supports for living them together.
She know nobody will support her but still keeping a hope in me only, that I was a person knowing all this and she thinks I have a forward thinking mind and may help her in this dilemma, and she asked me to be with her once after the expected getaway from home.
But if I am going to help her, I will definitely have to face a lot of problems from all the relatives and I may be loosing all the respect of many of them and may be expelled from all of them.
Nowadays all the medias are highlighting the latest controversy “love jihad” issues, they says there are some Muslim jihad’s groups working in Kerala to track out Hindu girls and trap them in love and to change there religion after marriage.
I don’t know how much truth in that, but in this situation, even I can’t approach any of her relatives with this kind of a proposal.
I tried in all my ways to discourage her from this relation.
But she is even not ready to hear any words against her decision.
I know the strength of her love has become much stronger than anything else and it can make her to forget all other relations.
She is very strong about her decision, and she has got a do or die answer only.
If she can’t live with him, she says damn sure she will end her life.
I am much terrified by hearing her words, by keeping some previous experiences in mind, including Aparna’s sad ending of life.
She called him in front of me from my mobile phone and asked me to talk to him.
She has already introduced about me to him well before our meeting and told him that I am the only person they can believe in her relatives.
I talked to him, only one time but felt a good impression about him.
The first impression I felt in his words was not so bad, very nice and matured talk.
He is educated, and working as a lecturer in a private parallel college after completing his degree just two years back.
If I keep aside all the problems of religion and money, he is perfectly suit for her.
But what to do, how can I accept that?
But luckily nothing has crossed any limits, hasn’t reached up to any physical relations.
I only advised her about such traps and told her to be very careful about that, rest of the things can be discussed later.

I discussed everything with my wife and she also talked to her personally.
Her reply made me more tensed.
As per her, this is not a teenage fascination. It is a deep love. She warned me.
Ayyan, this is a deep love; nothing is in front of that, so please be very careful.
Yes I should be very careful.
I have eight more months to decide.
She has also eight more months to change her decision.
I don’t want to take a wrong decision.
I don’t want to loose her like Aparna.
Because Aparna was a strange girl to me.
But Sneha is not a strange girl, she is the dearest to me.
I can’t even imagine, if anything happens to her.
Girls, please be careful, this is your life, please think again and again before taking any decision.
Once you reached in such a situation you may have to face lot of troubles in life and may have to give so much of agony to many others who love you and living for you.
Love is not a bad thing in our world, love is really a great feeling.
But when we are living in a society , we are forced to follow something more important than love and beliefs, we must understand that bitter truths.
Due to my busy schedule I am able to see her once in a three or four months during my short vacations, until then I have a few mails and phone call s only with her.
Her father was working abroad for many years away from family and recently settled in Kerala. I know he is not a friendly father to her. He pretends as a strict father in front of them.
Her mother is a poor lady taking all the responsibility of the house and seems always busy doing something and I think she doesn’t seem much care about them ,not much worried about where they are going and what time coming back and all, she thinks they are still children.
Should I have to tell her parents, but all the happiness and peace in family will be disturbed in my singe word?
All her trust to me will spoil in that single word.
I don’t know how she will react then.
I don’t really know what decision I will take, but I pray god that nothing should hurt her and nothing should harm her.
I want to see she will be living a happy married life.
We all like to see love in songs and films, when we watch a love story all of us really want the lovers to cross all the struggles and win their love.
But when it happens in our family, our daughters or our sons, it becomes a serious issue and more than love, we are forced to think about other issues.
Then we never want the lovers win their love.
I don’t mind she will win her love or fail.
But I don’t want her to fail in her life.

“Why so stressed”

I have tension, what may be the reason?
God, It’s so stressful, How to get out from this?
Life goes on and on, and it doesn’t care,
Whether you are in stress or good.

You can have your own ways, either in depression or in joy
Moods are changing time to time, but man need not have to die for that.
Tension can harm your mind and body too. Heart can not withstand with it,
A mind can go so crazy too. If you die or not to die, but things will happen as it is.

Stressing mind is distressful; it can harm your body too.
Modern life is so stressful and always make us distress too.
Love can make us distressful, and hate can make us distressful,
Loss can make us distressful, and a fail can make us depress too.

Your work can bring you nervous, your boss can make you nervous.
Your wife can bring you tension, your kids can also do that.
Your world can make you panic, you may want to escape.
But nothing can make you stress, if you are not willing to.

You can take your time as well, and you can do your best as well.
Rest all not in your hands; take that truth in your head.
It’s so fast our world always, and seems our friends too faster.
But don’t try to be faster than what you are already having.

Rest all depends so many facts, may or may not in your hand.
If you cry or laugh depends on your mood at that time no?
But things will happen always as what, how it supposed to be.
You can contribute your part as well, and wait always for the good will.

(An old poem which I wrote in my college days, just modified a bit)

I am gonna ask a quick question.
“How about getting a baby immediately after the marriage?”
What is your answer?
Nowadays most of us prefer a big “NO”

Most of the answers go like this.
“We don’t want a baby now”, or
“let us settle down for a few years and then we will think about that” or
“we need to enjoy our honeymoon days as well.” or
“recently I joined in this new job, so……no ..no…I need to think about it.”

Reasons are many…
But just think about a time after ten or fifteen years, you are waiting in front of fertility clinics so long time everyday waiting for your turn. Think about your feelings when you see your pregnancy test pad shows a single line all the month ends after a hopeful suspected period of delayed menses.
Slowly changes the feelings of desperation to depression?

I never wanted to delay the arrival of my baby even a single day.
But still it delayed for many years.
I liked children from my teen ages and I wanted babies. When any of my aunties come to our house with their babies, I was very happy to take the responsibility of baby sitting. . please don’t laugh!!!!I can hear that…. please…stop, it is not a joke!!!
But there was no way to get a baby, later I knew that I need to marry a girl for getting babies. I become ready to marry.
But there was a problem again, I came to know that I can marry only after studies and after getting a job and all, oh damn it. I need to wait a long time up to twenty eight or thirty years old, my god!!!! What a world it is???
While crossing the hurdles, I asked my ma, “so many years to complete my course and it is not easy to get a job also…so ….so….. I can’t wait a long, I need babies, and I am ready to marry even a widow who is having two or three children. She laughed me “are you mad? See your elder cousin brothers are above thirty and still not married? Then why are you so hurry, you don’t have to remind us always… we know when you can get married.” I shut my mouth for many years.

Marriage becomes a dream for many years.
Finally she has come to my life.
Her mind, thoughts and way of thinking all were perfectly made photocopies of mine. I don’t know I am the luckiest person or she is the luckiest for getting each other. But still the baby hasn’t come…
Not only for a few years, but for many years.

I saw hope on her face (mine too) every month during a delayed period, and later changes to desperation. People around her satisfied by throwing sharp edged words aimed to her heart.
We didn’t mind anything, but started a long journey to find our baby.

We also started waiting in front of fertility clinics so long time everyday expecting our call. I came to know the fact that, gynecologists are very rare species and very difficult to meet them than a film star. Many days we waited up to twelve midnight and even three or four hours after that also. Doctors made us specimens of their experiments. Effects and side effects of many tablets made her life miserable. Years long treatment gone somewhat like this. Many cycles of clomid and metformin treatment and endless ultrasound ovary scanning throughout prescribed dates troubled us cycling up and down through hopes and despairs. But again all the negative results pushed her in to clomid and HcG injection treatments but found ineffective due to the so called symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome too. Oh my god, again that pushed her in to a Hystero Salpingo Gram test which was unimaginable painful with out an Anastasia, that we didn’t know actually, she couldn’t even move her body for two three days, and we only two there in our flat with out any helps even. The negative results of that made her to go through a laparoscopic surgery and that was the door step to many more painful post surgical days. I heard that the delivery pain is the biggest pain in a woman’s life, but she had gone through much enough before that. She surprised me and showed me how a person can survive all this pain with a smile, without any complaint and without giving up the hope till achieving the aim. I learned a lot of lessons from her. I was also like an ordinary man wanted always to be respected by my wife, but slowly I started respecting her. Once she told me that she is giving me a place with her gods, but now if I am not giving her a place with my goddesses, god will not allow me to sit in the place that she had given me. I am nothing in front of her, nothing…What ever sufferings and pains went through in my past life was nothing compared to that.

I have become a half doctor, as expert as a clinical gynecologist. When ever I get a worried call of her, I used to sit in front of the internet to search all the effects, side effects, usages, dosages, clinical name, brand name and what ever available for the hundreds of tablets she used to take and functioning of each and every organs, oh majority of my office hours spent on that. Now I am able to treat any female illness just by hearing the symptoms, but I never tried on anybody else, because I don’t know they are insured or not !!!!..just kidding, I can’t do that.

Oh my god where I have reached now!!! Actually I sat now to write about the sentimental moments of my baby opened eyes after 11th day of delivery and I was eagerly waiting to see that, because I was on a short vacation scheduled to fly back on 11th day of her delivery. (My baby was in ventilator with covered eyes for 10days after delivery).
But after writing this much, I came to know that I am not able to write anything more, because it is so painful to even remember those days again. So I decided not to write and keep it in a closed corner of our mind. Sorry for doing this……
I have only one request to say.
There is a slogan in road safety.
“Better late than never”
I want to change in this case.
“Better fast than never” (even if you may not agree)